Tu Me Manques...

I've always loved the French language. It's romantic, and sounds much more interesting than my everyday country accent. I recently came across a French saying, "Tu Me Manques" and the meaning hit home in a major way.

In French, you don't really say "I Miss You".

You would say "Tu Me Manques", which actually translates closer to the sentence "You Are Missing From Me".

I'm in love with that. You are missing from me.

You are a part of me, you are essential to my being.

You are like a limb, or an organ, or even blood to my vein.

I cannot function without you.

Two extremely important people come to mind whenever I think of this beautiful saying. My Grandaddy, and my Papa. 

My Grandaddy passed away on May 10, 2012.

My Papa passed away on June 11, 2013.

The numbness never goes away. I think of both of them every. single. day.

Everything I do in my day to day life I think of them. Every decision I make, I wonder if they would be proud. I miss them so much, it hurts.

They both played such crucial parts in my life, and were both taken far too soon, in my opinion. But I know where they both are tonight, and that's how I can keep going. Because I know, one day, when I too have lived out my purpose, I'll be with them again.

So for now, Grandaddy, Papa, you both are missing from me. But I thank the good Lord above for giving me you to miss. My life is richer because of you.

I love you more than I ever got to say while you were here.

I cannot wait to see you again someday!

I'm Not Where I Thought I'd Be...

If you were to go back in time and ask an 8 year old version of myself where I thought I would be by the time I was nearing 23 you most likely would have gotten this answer:

"I'm going to be married (he'll be a prince, duh!), have an incredible job that I love (as a Pediatrician at the time), own a beautiful home that will be decorated appropriately for all of the impending holidays, and maybe thinking about having my first child (a girl of course)!"

I know what you're thinking, "Wow, for an 8 year old she sure was descriptive!" and you would be correct, but that's besides the point! From the time I was little I just always thought, dreamed of, and planned for this being the reality. But it isn't. And now I'm struggling with coming to grips of what that might mean for the rest of my life. I mean I'm only 22, but why do I feel so much pressure to be and have all of those things that my 8 year old self was so sure of? Why do I feel like time is running out for me, and I need to get things figured out quick or I'll be the only girl who didn't?

The truth is, I place myself under an incredible amount of pressure to have it all figured out. I like to be in the know, have my ducks in a row if you will, I plan for things months in advance, and because I do that I sometimes set myself up for hurt feelings. I'm not super woman. I'm a 22 year old full time college student majoring in Psychology (at least I was in the ballpark when I was younger!), working a part time job in between soaking up every precious minute I can get with my family, and having some down time for myself. Sometimes I get so discouraged and I compare my situation to others around me! It seems like everyone I know is either married, getting married, or having a baby! It's so exciting and I want to be a part of that someday! If I'm still so young though, why can't I shake the feeling like I've done something wrong?

Don't get me wrong, it's ok to be a planner, and it definitely comes in handy at times! But when you're planning too much of your own life without consulting the One who has already seen the ending you may be getting a tad ahead of yourself! I'll be honest and say that I don't always understand what God asks of me. I get lost along the way, and try to do it for myself, only to end up back at square one. Why is it so hard to trust a God who has created me in His image for a purpose that no one else on this planet possesses? Why can't I relinquish the dreams of what I thought I would have so that I can gain something twice as good as what I could ever imagine? I'm so thankful that I worship a God who is jealous for my time! No man can ever compare to the way that my God treats me, yet I can't stop my heart from yearning for someone to fill a hole that only God can fill!

Ultimately I serve a God who has not only created me with a beautiful purpose in mind, but One who has walked my story before I was even breathed into existence, and One who walks beside me as I stumble across the road less travelled. I think it's ok to be content with not knowing, it's even somewhat liberating! My 20's should be an incredible time in my young life, and there is no limit to what they can bring!

Maybe I'll travel to Greece, study abroad, work with the A21 Campaign. I could read tons of new books. I could buy a plane ticket to Paris and get lost wandering the streets of an unknown place. I could do the World Race. Cross some things off of my bucket list. Reinvent myself over and over again if I want. Maybe I'll work as a Disney Princess over the summer. I could adopt a puppy. I could travel to see the Northern Lights, make snow angels underneath the beauty of it all. I could get a tattoo (don't tell my dad!). Finally head to New York for a week, and soak up Times Square. I could travel to Paradise Falls in South America and release a balloon like in the movie UP! Go paddle boarding in the Grand Canyon. It's endless. 

I don't know when Mr. Right will get here. Maybe he's just around the corner, and maybe he isn't. Maybe I've already met him, and then again maybe I haven't. It's almost magical in a way, not knowing where my tomorrows will take me! And I'm confident that there will be a day where I'm married to an incredible man who complements me, own a beautiful home, have a career that I love, and be a mom to children who I can only dream of today, I'm just not going to put anymore age limits on those things! 

So, I'm definitely not where I thought I would be, but I am going through a learning process to like where I am for the moment. Starting over from something you were so sure of isn't a death sentence, even though at times it feels like it is. It's a new beginning, and a new door to walk through and explore. Thankfully I have a loving God by my side guiding me through all the tears and laughter.

If I could write a letter to that 8 year old me it would sound something like this:

Don't get caught up in other people's situations. That wasn't your purpose, and you do have one, trust me! Enjoy where you are today and embrace where you could be tomorrow! Don't stop dreaming or planning, but do stop being hard on yourself if you meet a fork in the road! It will all come together for the good of His will! Thank goodness for that!

Sometimes Change Is Good

Recently I've gone through some major changes in life. I've learned a lot about who I am, my strength, and what I want from life. It's been a really hard process that I'm no where near done with, but I think it's been a blessing in disguise. I am not one who enjoys change of any kind, and I would love to be able to say that the first person I ran to was God, but I can't say that. Through all of my confusion and hurt I blocked him out of everything and sought answers everywhere but Him. Today however, I reached out to Him, and was lead to this devotion from "Revealing Jesus" by Darlene Zschech titled Worship His Name : El Roi. 

"The name El Roi tells us that God sees everything. He never rests or sleeps. He is everywhere. There is nothing that can hide from His gaze. No matter how lost you feel, no matter how cut off and alone you feel, El Roi, the God Who Sees, knows exactly where you are. You are not lost and alone. You are not abandoned in whatever wilderness you are passing through at this moment."

This spoke to me on many different levels. I have felt lost, wandering through the days trying to learn who I am in Him. I've been essentially learning how to be myself all over again. It was comforting to read and have reaffirmed to me that my God is for me, and always will be. 

This is a new chapter in my life, for better or worse (ironically), and I am both nervous and excited to see what the future holds for me. To see where God will lead me and what He will allow me to see and learn.